Imperial vs House Which won? (long, for entertainment value only)

[kenyon wills <imperialist60@xxxxxxxxx>]

I was out in the yard today and realized that I forgot to
tell you good one that came at my expense.  

I recently got into my first house.  It is a "4-Imperial
house", in that it is large enough to hold 4 Imperials
without becoming unsightly.  There is a large yard on the
side.  Since spiders have been sighted in the side yard by
my arachnophobic wife,  this means that I am now free to
cultivate free-range Imperials in the side yard.  

To do so, I pulled the rusty-with-no-brakes 1960 out of a
widow-friend's garage to put into the yard for work as I
launch into my project of taking two 1960 cars apart,
sanding the parts, painting, and reassembling everything
good as new.

The car arrived and was out front, and I decided that I was
going to burn off some of the gas in the tank before
parking it, as it tends to weep gasoline if overfilled, and
I was uncertain what attitude the car would be in on the
uneven yard.  I ran it at idle for 3 hours and then
proceeded to insert the car into the yard.  

The car has no brakes, and just a teeny amount of grab left
in the parking brake.  Enough to stop the car in a few feet
anyway.  It was my plan to throw the car into gear, ride
the parking brake, and dump the car into the back yard,
stopping by hitting Neutral and letting the P brake stop
the car.  

Easy.

You'll recall that when I got the car, I lived on the
mostly empty Treasure Island Navy base and had been
joy-riding the car around at midnight with just the parking
brake (it's REALLY empty out there with good sightlines and
no traffic late at night).  

I felt that both of us were up to this maneuver.  I had
been sitting in the car with one foot on the P brake, one
on the gas, and fingers pushing D & N & R respectively with
lurching, but acceptable control.

I got the car into the yard, and things were so tight that
I was unable to make any multi-point turn that would leave
the car far enough over to allow me to park Imperial
Margarine next to it.  This 2- space area in the yard is
50% of my 4-Imperial scheme, so I just had to do it.  

I got peeved at the car and decided that food in my belly
might hone my perception and ability to park.  

I came back out from eating and felt certain that I was now
better qualified to park the car, despite a constant
fence-line and unchanged turning radius. 

I started the car in Neutral, and assumed my normal
position on the controls.  

The car had cooled, and is mechanically sound enough to
know that it needed choke now, where before it had been
idling for hours and was plenty warm.  

I depressed the Drive button, and the extra 500 RPM from
the choke overcame the minor amount of parking brake that
was available, and the car surged forward, to my horror.  

It slammed into the side of my "new" house at a 45 degree
angle, shaking the structure and scaring my wife something
fierce.  

The house now has a curved-wedge shaped dent in the
plaster.  Imperial 1 - House 0.

The bumper was unimpressed and wears the house paint and
plaster proudly, awaiting the day that I have to REMOVE the
car from the spot that I finally managed to get it into.  

How did I finally park the car?

As it struck the house, it took out enough fence to make
the final procedure a 4 point turn.  

I would have been ahead just running the car through the
fence.




Please drop me a line if your teenager ever needs driving
lessons.  My pricing structure is very reasonable.

-Kenyon


=====
Kenyon Wills
6o LeBaron - America's Most Carefully Built Car 
73 LeBaron - Long Low & Luxurious

San Lorenzo/SF Bay Area

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