Imperial vs House Which won? (long, for entertainment value only)

["Dick Benjamin" <DickB@xxxxxxxxx>]

Hilarious!   And none of the rest of us have ever done anything like this,
have we?  Noooooo.
Dick Benjamin
----- Original Message -----
From: kenyon wills <imperialist60@xxxxxxxxx>
To: <mailing-list@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
Sent: Friday, September 06, 2002 5:29 PM
Subject: IML: Imperial vs House Which won? (long, for entertainment value
only)


> I was out in the yard today and realized that I forgot to
> tell you good one that came at my expense.
>
> I recently got into my first house.  It is a "4-Imperial
> house", in that it is large enough to hold 4 Imperials
> without becoming unsightly.  There is a large yard on the
> side.  Since spiders have been sighted in the side yard by
> my arachnophobic wife,  this means that I am now free to
> cultivate free-range Imperials in the side yard.
>
> To do so, I pulled the rusty-with-no-brakes 1960 out of a
> widow-friend's garage to put into the yard for work as I
> launch into my project of taking two 1960 cars apart,
> sanding the parts, painting, and reassembling everything
> good as new.
>
> The car arrived and was out front, and I decided that I was
> going to burn off some of the gas in the tank before
> parking it, as it tends to weep gasoline if overfilled, and
> I was uncertain what attitude the car would be in on the
> uneven yard.  I ran it at idle for 3 hours and then
> proceeded to insert the car into the yard.
>
> The car has no brakes, and just a teeny amount of grab left
> in the parking brake.  Enough to stop the car in a few feet
> anyway.  It was my plan to throw the car into gear, ride
> the parking brake, and dump the car into the back yard,
> stopping by hitting Neutral and letting the P brake stop
> the car.
>
> Easy.
>
> You'll recall that when I got the car, I lived on the
> mostly empty Treasure Island Navy base and had been
> joy-riding the car around at midnight with just the parking
> brake (it's REALLY empty out there with good sightlines and
> no traffic late at night).
>
> I felt that both of us were up to this maneuver.  I had
> been sitting in the car with one foot on the P brake, one
> on the gas, and fingers pushing D & N & R respectively with
> lurching, but acceptable control.
>
> I got the car into the yard, and things were so tight that
> I was unable to make any multi-point turn that would leave
> the car far enough over to allow me to park Imperial
> Margarine next to it.  This 2- space area in the yard is
> 50% of my 4-Imperial scheme, so I just had to do it.
>
> I got peeved at the car and decided that food in my belly
> might hone my perception and ability to park.
>
> I came back out from eating and felt certain that I was now
> better qualified to park the car, despite a constant
> fence-line and unchanged turning radius.
>
> I started the car in Neutral, and assumed my normal
> position on the controls.
>
> The car had cooled, and is mechanically sound enough to
> know that it needed choke now, where before it had been
> idling for hours and was plenty warm.
>
> I depressed the Drive button, and the extra 500 RPM from
> the choke overcame the minor amount of parking brake that
> was available, and the car surged forward, to my horror.
>
> It slammed into the side of my "new" house at a 45 degree
> angle, shaking the structure and scaring my wife something
> fierce.
>
> The house now has a curved-wedge shaped dent in the
> plaster.  Imperial 1 - House 0.
>
> The bumper was unimpressed and wears the house paint and
> plaster proudly, awaiting the day that I have to REMOVE the
> car from the spot that I finally managed to get it into.
>
> How did I finally park the car?
>
> As it struck the house, it took out enough fence to make
> the final procedure a 4 point turn.
>
> I would have been ahead just running the car through the
> fence.
>
>
>
>
> Please drop me a line if your teenager ever needs driving
> lessons.  My pricing structure is very reasonable.
>
> -Kenyon
>
>
> =====
> Kenyon Wills
> 6o LeBaron - America's Most Carefully Built Car
> 73 LeBaron - Long Low & Luxurious
>
> San Lorenzo/SF Bay Area
>
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