Title: Tools
Tool Dictionary . . .
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the
room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you
were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprint swirls and hard-earned guitar calluses
in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh drat!"
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop
rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
PLIERS: A simple hand tool used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion and the more you attempt to influence its
course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Next generation Pliers. Also used to round off
bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to
transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting
various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting
the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British
cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating
that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the
ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping
the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2 x 4: Used for levering an auto-
mobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing Douglas Fir wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool
for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than
any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength of every-
thing you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably
has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes
called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its
main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is a it misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-
and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name
implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that converts energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away into compressed air that travels by hose to a
Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over-tightened 58
years ago by someone at ERCO and neatly rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a $.50 part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the really expensive parts nearest the object
we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as
seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks,
rubber or plastic parts and fingers.
Ken Rimington
1956 Dodge Custom Royal
1956 Royal
*************************************************************
To unsubscribe or set your subscription options,
please go to
http://lists.psu.edu/cgi-bin/wa?SUBED1=l-forwardlook&A=1
|
|
Back to the Home of the Forward Look Network